Its mid January and resolves are beginning to break. The post- Christmas fitness regime means all that stashed Christmas chocolate is calling out from the box, a bit like The beating of Edgar Allen Poe's Tell Tale Heart. In this time of possible guilt and naughtiness, I thought I'd elevate the tone by adding to the already extensive criticism of those highly popular chocs, Cadbury's Miniature Heroes.
Just a quick Google search will show anyone interested, that I am embarking on a topic of much discussion and strong opinions upon which reputations have been shaken, grudges born and dreams shattered. On the monumental decision to change the composition of the selection away from the lighter chocolates, Cadbury's email box was crammed full of Dream devotees wailing in disgust and Eclair fans applauding them. All I hope to do in these few lines is venture my humble opinion.
There are always those in the selection who are the runts. The ones that are stuck at the bottom, after the searching fingers have gone through pleasure, to the point where any possible enjoyment to be had is just not worth the sickness and nausea. Typically these are the sicklier cremes. In Heroes, nothing changes. The Twisted disaster and the Dairy Milk Caramel are the weak points in the current selection on offer. Diary Milk Caramel might perhaps some hard core fans, but these are a splinter group, probably very much isolated in their familial groups, the black sheep in the herd. If anyone has any sense, they would cast down these two horrors to the bottom of the box. Lets be honest here, no one really wanted the creme egg. We bought it because of the "How do you eat yours?" advertising campaign, in hindsight the main appeal of the thing, started to eat it and decided to take the challenge and wade all the way through. With this in mind who would buy the Twisted candy bar? The advert clearly isn't any good, probably giving little kids nightmares and boring the rest of us, and the thing itself is far too sweet, with too much creme and not enough chocolate. Why on earth then do they make them smaller and hide them in Heroes boxes? Clearly they launched the full size bar with high expectation mid-2009, and then had a vast amount of left over creme come Christmas. It doesn't even fit into the name, Heroes. That crap television advert clearly portrays a villain, a monster, a mutant.
Compared to this the Caramel is merely a snickering sidekick. Here my objection is that the caramel withing the chocolate is not caramel, as i know it. For me caramel oozes, whereas this is far too fluid. More importantly, caramel should taste and look like slightly burnt sugar, a deep amber, that hides under thick chocolate in a millionaires shortbread. Here the caramel is a bright white gold and attacks the eater with a high pure sweetness. Its too goodie goodie, its too brash; if it were to be personified, it would be one of those people who are too nice, so nice in fact that you consider them either to have a sinister hidden purpose, or be actuially mentally infirm.
Now let us leave that nastiness behind us and discuss fallen heroes. Not the rubbish ones like the Dream, probably the conniving sister of the caramel, but the noble fallen, like the Crunchie and the Picnic. The fall of these two has caused much controversy. Accusations of profiteering and skimping have been levied. As far as I'm concern I wholeheartedly agree. Why do they weigh down our selections with the villains above, when these greats could be revived suppose what I am looking for is interesting texture, rather than the gooey texture-less coating of the two above. These two offer this, a bit of excitement to find in amongst the appreciated, but texturally bland solid chocolate numbers. I agree that perhaps the Dairy Milk Whole Nut could be dropped, for those with allergies, but these two are vital quirky variations and the selection suffers without them. Currently the role is taken up by the Eclair and the Fudge, which try their best to cover the base. But where is the crunch? Where is the knobbly toughness?
I will however say a few positive things about the current selection. I am a fan of Bourneville, as a dark chocolate, obviously it is atrocious, but you enter the box with the knowledge that this is going to be a baser taste. Sweetness is the staple, there will be no subtlety, only populist appeal is sought. Therefore the Bourneville is a welcomed addition as an interesting throwout to those who might have slightly more defined palates, to draw all manner of people into the communal sharing of the box. Then we have the Dairy Milk. Who can deny the appeal. This little gem is like the Dr Xavier of the box. It was where it all started, its probably where it will all finish. When the Dairy Milk falls, so will Cadbury. And finally the Twirl. Obviously just a variation on the Dairy Milk, but an worthy one and a worthwhile addition.
Overall though, do we really want the box to change for the better? Whether it is intentional or not, Cadbury have created a pantomime in a box. We have the Heroes and the Villians, the sidekicks and the henchmen. The selection is a topic of discussion, that all can join in on. It is Christmassy in its essence, being both communal and cabaret. The fact that they are consumed in January as the fitness regime crumbles might do worse than console us with happy memories of that joyous time, to assuage our angst about our unconditioned bodies. Happy New Year!
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